I've always inwardly refused to talk about my issues on social media. But I haven't blogged for six months, mainly because of my issues (health issues but still issues) so just this once I'm going to break my rule and tell you about the ups and downs of the last six months. If you don't want to listen, stop reading. I promise I won't be offended.

A year and a half ago I came down with Lymes disease. Long story short it turned chronic. This last December I was finally starting to feel like myself again, like I had my old body and personality back. We thought maybe we had finally beat this thing. But Lymes is a cruel minx that teases you one day with good health only to plunge you into a near comatose state the next. It's the nature of the disease and thats exactly what it did. By mid January I was going severely down hill and by March I could hardly get out of bed again. ( it's really a miracle I graduated from MTC with all the class I missed)

This was indeed hard, but the biggest struggle was emotional I think. I went to a dark place, darker then I've experienced before. Lyme disease plays with your emotions by taking them all away (its like a legitimate symptom of the disease itself) and so the only thing I could feel was numbness or anger. No motivation, no joy. Whatever could keep me from thinking to deeply, whatever could help me escape the reality of constant physical pain and emotional deadness was what I turned to. Movies, instagram, pinterest, my amazing kindle. All good things, but all extremely effective at giving you a constant break from reality. And the biggest thing is that I didn't care. I didn't care that all that I was was slowly slipping away with only a shell remaining. I didn't give a @#$%. I mentally new it to be true and did not care. It was the weirdest and scariest feeling I've ever felt, not to care. And forget a deep personal relationship with my Jesus. How could that exist in my quest to escape, in my quest to simply survive the day. If I didn't feel anything period, how could I feel anything for God. We talk so easily about trust and joy and seeking God in struggle but to actually do those things is the biggest battle of life. They are hard. They are complicated. I seriously was going to punch the next person who sweetly but flippantly said one of these things to me in the face. (Brett knew that too so he watched me carefully haha) 

So like I said, it sucked to not be able to walk more than a block without passing out but what was the real mind killer was the emotional effects the disease had on me. The effects which I still struggle with and am still trying to figure out. 

At the very end of April I went to a new doctor in Idaho. If I tried to describe this doctors methods to you, the only thing you would think is that he was crazy or scamming people. (He takes a completely holistic approach.) I would have thought this too if I hadn't seen two of my good friends get better from Lyme's disease because of this guys treatment. Anyways, Brett finally got me to agree to go out there and have the treatment. It  has been an upward battle ever since....a slow slow upward battle but upwards all the same. And it has once again given us hope. 

So here it is, July freaking 1st 2014. A year and a half from the first month I had symptoms and I never pictured this as my life. I never pictured myself at 23 and not able to make it through the day without a nap or two. But regardless of that I'm learning that right now this is my life and that that's ok. I'm learning (painfully slowly) what it means practically to have joy in pain and grow in struggle. I'm learning that life can be about more than survival even when we don't know how we're going to survive in the first place. I'm learning how to have a growing relationship with God again. I'm learning to let go of expectations and simply live. 

This has been my journey the past six months of zero blogging. I didn't blog because I didn't care like I said earlier, but the Lord is teaching me how to care again, so here ya go. I thank God for the healing He has been giving me the past month and we have hope and pray that I'll continue to heal, but if I don't, I'm learning to accept that and let go of expectation that I had for my life and replace them with the plans that God has. thanks to all of you (family, friends, church family) who have been praying for me. the prayers have been felt. 

thanks for reading.

-morgan